With over 400,000 military moves each year, a PCS (Permanent Change of Station) brings military families the excitement of a new home, the adventure of exploring a new area, the promise of a fresh start. For spouses new to the military lifestyle, this can be anxiety-provoking, especially if you are trying to figure out all the acronyms and keep your sanity with the “hurry up and wait” mentality the more seasoned spouses have grown accustomed to throughout the years.  Military spouses with a few more years and moves under their belt under their belt may anticipate reconnecting with friends and families from past duty stations, and f. For some families, you may even be returning to a duty station where you previously had lived. Whatever your stage, it is likely full of emotions.  The military spouse will often be at the helm of the PCS checklist, with multiple suitcases, or if you are like my family, seabags packed with everything you might need for your travels and while waiting for the household goods to arrive.  

No matter your current duty station status, whether you are just arriving or preparing to depart, the question will likely come up: Where will you go next?  

I fondly remember a few years back, brimming with excitement about a new adventure, sharing with a spouse how I felt that “home was where the Navy dropped us” and how I planned to roll with the tides and anchor wherever it is was the Navy sent us. .  If I am being honest, that was over ten years ago, and looking back, I don’t really recognize the girl who said those optimistic and accommodating phrases.  That was before we had our second and third daughters and, before I knew how hardchallenging professional licensure hurdles would be to navigate, before the world was brought to a halt by a global pandemic, and before I turned a bit, salty.  

Looking back, I didn’t really have a duty station that didn’t fit, ; we just made it work, and each and every single tour always resulted in tears when we departed. As a military spouse, I had made a career out of my grief, and so much loss over the years.  However, with that loss came great adventure and new experiences. Picking a favoirrite duty station is a great debate in our family, and the concencosensus is always that the people we meet isare the very best part of being a service family.  It is true when it said, “Nothing is as good as your last duty station”..”  So, it came as a surprise earlier this year when a professional colleague asked where we would be going next, and I heard myself say, “anywhere but here.” My frank response was a surprise to the both of us.  I started to share how I had amy theory about moving, with her and that I would often tell myself, “Wherever you go, there you are”..”  This is my own mantra for reminding myself that the grass was not always greener, and that a military move wasn’t going to solve my own happiness, even if it was moving from the Bahrain to Hawaii, as I would still be me, and with me come the complex emotions of loss and grief, and m. 

My insecurities get packed up in boxes along with everything else.  Even thought I was a far cry from that younger, more enthusiastic military spouse I mentioned, I wasn’t aware of how good it felt to be transparent, and honest with this civilian who thought my life was all about travel and adventures worldwide.  

However, after I spoke it outloun loud, the phrase “anywhere but here” started to haunt me.  I realized that our family had follow-on orders to stay in the same geographical area for the first time in our 20+ year relationship.  We were not moving somewhere new, ; we were staying in the same area, and for the first time in our marriage, we lived somewhere for over three years.  With that observation, I carefully analyzed what it was that made “here” so challenging.  I loved my everyday life in this small island community, rich with naval history and a civic civic-minded community of support i. It was also where our eldest graduated high school, and my own business was founded.  So, what was it that made me want to jump ship?  

It took me some time and a few sessions with my own therapist to realize what I had been hiding from for a few years.   I was lonely.  That gut gut-wrenching feeling of isolation, a lack of connection, and the complete opposite of feeling in a place of belonging. This feeling wasn’t unfamiliar, ; I had danced with it before as a young spouse new to military life, ; looking back, I know I felt it as a freshman in college and even more so after pledging to a sorority.  However, this time, it was different, ; the loneliness was long long-standing, ever ever-present, toxic, and almost cancerous in how it started small, and then overtook my life and my identity.  

This shouldn’t have surprised me, ; I had spent the previous few years trying to find my place.  I have done all the things.  I had a recipie for a new duty station and followed it just as I had with every place we had ever lived. I joined the local spouse group and quickly found a volunteer role. I introduced myself to neighbors, I attended base base-sponsored events, and the ombudsman assemblies, joined the PTO, and volunteered in a few too many places, but that wasn’t enough.  I dove into meal trains and made more lasagnas than I could count, ; I hosted parties for my spouse’s command, held neighborhood potlucks, and attended every event I was invited to. The bucket was overflowing, but it was empty at the same time.  

With the empty feeling came shame.  That feeling of loneliness engulfed me and pulled out all my insecurities.  I noticed a heavy feeling when I returned from events; I came home and often times sat in the crysat in the car crying before entering the house.  What was wrong with me?  

With time, I started to isolate myself socially. This social isolation only perpetuated loneliness, and because it was a feeling I had never really experienced, I blamed myself, and carried the shame. This was my fault; like grief, I was telling myself so many myths. I wasn’t trying hard enough, ; I just needed to smile more. It would get better with time. .  So many myths.    

The stories we tell ourselves are dangerous.  These stories of myths isolate us into unhealthy mindsets. As a clinical social worker, I have worked with several individuals struggling to connect. As I sharpened my focus on loneliness and got comfortable saying it out loud, I noticed it come up in many places.  As a researcher and doctoral student, I dove into all the research and resources regarding social isolation and loneliness.  

 It took my own journey with social isolation and loneliness to realize that these stories are too commonfamiliar in our military spouse population, and it is time that we start being more vulnerable about the challenges, and get curious about ways to collaborate in a radical effort to eliminate the crisis, and ultimately save lives.  I started diving into social isolation, and while we all became very familiar with the term during the pandemic, I learned that the study of social isolation and loneliness had been studied for decades.  I also learned about social health.  This was a term that I had never heard before.  Social health is defined as our ability to interact and form meaningful relationships with others.  Social health includes having close bonds with family and friends, and feeling a place of belonging.  The positive outcomes of social well-being involves building healthy, nurturing, supportive relationships and fostering genuine connections with those around you. 

Social health and theits importance have become a public health issue as our surgeon general declared a loneliness epidemic, whatich some researchers have identified as a friendship recession.  This loneliness can be detrimental to our health, with studies sitating that loneliness can be as dangerous as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. with Loneliness is not just a strong emotion but a significant public health concern with severe implications for mental and physical health. Social isolation, defined as the lack of social connections or interactions, can increase the risk of depression, anxiety, and even heart disease (American Academy of Social Work & Social Welfare, 2023).

You might be thinking to yourself that this is all great information, but what can be done in the event you find yourself identifying as lonely.  ?  First, save yourself some time and a few therapy sessions and resist the urge to judge yourself.  

Loneliness, just like joy, sadness, and anger, is an emotion, ; there isn’t anything wrong with you for feeling this, ; in fact, be proud of yourself for getting curious enough to recognize that something might be missing.  This realization took me a great deallot of time and effort, and I am sharing it with you because I fell feel this is an important campaign to help everyone identify loneliness in their own lives.  You might not feel this way now, and I sincerely hope you never do, ; however, if you are a bit challenged, there are several ways to start working on building more social wealth in your life.  Tell yourself that it is okay to feel lonely, next,and begin exploring your feelings and emotions slowly.  Journaling is always a great way to reflect, but clinicians have found that reading your journal back to yourself can provide even more insight.  

Start incorporating the 5-3-1 for social health; this method comes from the idea that we need five social interactions a week with people; this could be sitting beside someone at a place of worship, engaging in a book club, or joining a group workout. Ideally, we want to have three relationships that we invest in and in which we feel invested, including a spouse or best friend and lastly, we want to shoot for 1 hour of social activity a day.  This might shock some of you, so start small, choose the check-out line with the friendly cashier, and chat for a few minutes about the weather.  Make small talk in the produce section with an elderly veteran at the commissary, or make a routine of walking with your neighbor to pick up your kids from school.  It doesn’t need to be an hour at once, so get curious about ensuring you meet that 60 minutes by challenging yourself, just like your daily steps and water intake. 

My journey as a social health engineer started with some basic building blocks.  I started my week with a workout session with my favorite trainer, then hit my local Starbucks.  It took a few weeks to get comfortable with this, but I would sit on the park bench and pet watch.  I’d find myself smiling at the dogs that passed by, and eventually, I found the courage to smile at the people watching them.  Again, this took time.  Before I knew it, I met some regulars and became a regular myself.  Once the caffeine kicked in, I would walk to the local grocery store, purchase a small bouquet, and parous the produce, which always resulted in small talk.  

I did this routine for 25 weeks straight.  What did I observe?  I always returned to my parking spot with a little more pep.  I felt more engaged and a sense of belonging, and my confidence grew.  While this small investment in a cuppa and some fresh blooms weekly set my pocketbook back, the results spoke for themselves.  The “main street mentality” that I was able to grow allowed me to see my social health deficiency and reflect on how manageable life could be when listening through a different lens.  

It is critical to note that there is no secret recipe for handling social isolation and loneliness.  Identifying loneliness and the grief that comes along with the realization that your social health is less than ideal also comes with a reminder.  

Your loneliness is yours and yours alone; no one gets to tell you how to feel; your loneliness is as unique as your fingerprint.  All too often, we, as military spouses, have a trait that can usually be well-indented but sometimes may come off as toxic, the sharing and telling other military spouses, often those younger than us, how things “should” be done and how we “should” be believing, acting, and even feeling.  I am here to tell you that this notation must be eradicated from your thoughts and future vocabulary.  You think how you need to feel; you have enough to feel bad about; there is no need to feel bad about your loneliness; it will only push you to self-isolate more, continuing a dangerous cycle and setting yourself up for challenging health concerns later in life.  Another cautionary note: You sharing your loneliness is about you, so anyone who comes across a friend or family member who is vulnerable should remember that their loneliness is not about you.  

Our loneliness can have many factors, and not sharing with family and friends, as I said before, due to shame or not wanting to “dump” your emotions doesn’t help.  While loneliness is often seen as a mental health issue, it is essential to separate your social health from your mental health. 

We cannot hide social health under the umbrella of mental health.  It is separate.  Just like physical health, each individual is essential to the whole body’s well-being, and when one is weak, the other two can also be weak.  Ignoring social, mental, and physical health can only do so much.  

For me, close connections with friends where I could be vulnerable and authentic and share my challenges with our current duty station felt nourishing, versus being in a large group where I felt ashamed of not loving our current place of residence.  I didn’t feel authentic when I was surrounded by people who were thriving and loving their time on the island; in fact, it made me feel bad about who I was and made me feel like I was a spoiled brat who didn’t get her way, or perhaps even ungrateful.  How dare I refuse to bloom where I was planted; what would that say about me if people found out, and how would that reflect on me as a military spouse? I certainly wouldn’t make friends if my true feelings were shared.  However, being transparent is what is nourishing; being authentic is what lights my soul on fire. So, in hiding myself and my feelings, I was only self-sabotaging myself, perpetuating the feelings of loneliness and shame, and solidifying my self-isolation.  

Finding a professional to help you identify values and get to know yourself better can be as simple as contacting Military One Source, where you can get 12 sessions of no-cost non-clinical support from a licensed mental health provider.  Contact 800-342-9647, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 

Loneliness isn’t a personal failing; it’s a human experience. Sharing these feelings can help break the stigma and inspire others to do the same. Military life is full of unique challenges, but embracing transparency and connection can help us navigate even the most challenging duty stations.

If this article resonates with you and you’d like to learn more about social health and embracing antifragility as a military spouse, connect with and follow us on Instagram at @strengthinserviceorg. Together, we can build a more connected and curious community of support that encourages social health.